Rants

5:00 PM

What is normalcy anymore? The term "clear head" is nonsense considering the fact that my brain's decorated with filthy webs that interlace of worrisome and infuriated thoughts. Knowing that I'm sleep deprived doesn't make me feel better either since there isn't a point in knowing what's wrong when you can't fix it. The pillow's a landing pad for not only your head but also the disgusting feeling of not being able to find an anecdote for your misery that usually brings the company of embarrassing actions done your by tear ducts. Then there are thoughts that remind you of how you're at the bottom half of pretty much everything you do. Reminders of everyone's hopes and dreams and how they've accomplished some of their goals in a short matter of time. The envy used to flow in through your body like boiling blood as the fuel of motivation that drives you to do better. Instead, it's just making you realise how big of a failure you are as a breathing creature. Later, you walk up to the bathroom mirror. You once thought your skin couldn't get any worse but then major exams start rolling in and so does the major irregular skin tones. Not only that, the people who are suppose to understand flake out on you as well. Once this whole ordeal blows over, you're left with memories of how they treated you like scabs even if everyone kisses and makes up. Every night it's the same problem but they keep asking "what did I do this time?" "what do you want me to do now?" and you spend a really long time trying to express your feelings but who even knows if they're being heard or not. They ask you what's wrong when you dedicate a minimal but valuable time to them JUST to explain. Sometimes I wonder why they were granted the ability to think, what made them so special that they deserved a medium for their thinking caps in the first place. But then again, I wonder what made me deserve this as well.

I feel suffocated in my own head, like I'm drowning in my own thoughts. These aren't even productive thoughts, these are depressing and they get even more depressing when you don't find the solutions to them. I feel like I don't have much time even once exam ends. I need someone compatible.

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